I sat at the table, and stared at the picture frame in front of me. I stared until my eyes drew out of focus and the figures and colors turned into a blur. My mind drew backwards, further and further into a dark abyss.
I could picture her there, crying herself to sleep like I was recollecting something I had been a witness to, like I had watched over her but how could that be possible? I didn’t even exist back then. Is this what an out of body experience feels like?
I tried to talk to her like I sometimes would in my mind with the people I knew. She wouldn’t respond the way they did. I could only watch her now, like a ghost in the room.
I didn’t feel like her. Like myself. I felt like I was someone else, with the memories and the experiences of a younger version of me. Of her. I cared for her. I felt her pain. I wanted to look after her like a child. To comfort her and tell her she would be alright, but I couldn’t. I tried to reach out to her in my mind, but time flowed between us like a deep ravine that separated us.
This all feels so unreal to me now. I remember the way things used to affect her. Things that used to hurt her don’t get to me anymore. I don’t feel anything. The only thing running through my head right now is this memory of her. A single thought has replaced all my emotions, ‘This would have hurt her but I don’t feel anything.’
Why don’t I feel anything?
I appreciate the lengths my mind has taken to keep me sane but this experience seems too foreign now. I am impalpable. Little by little I am being unhinged from the entrapment of my reality. It scares me because I thought I could make it. I mean, I have already come so far. How much longer could this last right?
That’s when I realize that I never made it at all, at least not with all the pieces of me intact. Some things had to be left behind to lighten my load but they hadn’t gone silently. Not without leaving behind an imprint of her to remind me of who I once was, maybe with the hope that I’ll find a way to be her again. To save her from the past and bring her back to life when it was safe for her heart to feel, and trust and love again.