I have watched my life unfold, with good days and bad days wondering what it would all come down to and I think this might be it, the opportunity of a lifetime.

One of two things can happen. I could get the perfect job, become independent and live the rest of my life happily ever after or I could lose it to someone else, someone who has paid the gatekeepers their dues and my life would continue the same way it always has, close to being something special but not quite there yet.

I’ve been waiting for a grand gesture by the universe that hardly seems to be paying attention. Life isn’t like a movie where a lifetime of struggle culminates in one crowing moment of glory that makes it all seem worth it, a petrichor moment when the dry earth finally receives its rain. At best, it might be a series of little victories, just enough to keep us going a little while longer.

I believe in a God in whom all things are possible but (and this is hard to admit) I don’t know if I believe because I so desperately need it to be true. There is a part of my brain that truly loves God but there is also a part of me that wonders if it’s just a crutch I need to depend on to make up for all the things that I cannot be.

I have seen impossible things. It shouldn’t be this hard to believe. I know its nothing but my own skepticism but sometimes I wonder if we’re just like leaves blowing in the wind and what we call miracles is the universe fooling us into believing we’re flying when we’ve really only been slowly falling to the earth this whole time.

If I keep reminding myself that good things have happened to me, no matter how they might have found me, whether you call it being lucky or blessed I have been both and I just might make it.


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