Tag Archives: god

sinking ships

My faith is fading. I can try to fight it but I just feel too much like I have been let down. I don’t care if that’s wrong and that I’m not allowed to question God. All the hope and excitement I felt for my life and my future a week ago now just feels like a ship sinking with her harbor in sight, and right now I don’t want to hear about how the timing was probably not right. I don’t care what lesson I am supposed to learn from this, the disappointment of it all makes it feel more like a bad joke by the universe than a learning experience.

The weather these days fits my mood perfectly, it almost made me want to go out and stand in the rain and ponder on the direction my life is going in but then again, no need to be quite so melodramatic, I thought to myself. Right now I’ll take any suggestions on how to stop this feeling like this; like a heavy tree was growing on my heart, weighing it down and its roots were piercing my lungs, slowly wrapping itself around it till it grew tighter and tighter.

I know I have a roof above my head and food on my table and that already makes me luckier than most, and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but this time I have decided that I am going to give myself a chance to feel what I want to feel because I have kept my faith through every other shitty thing I have had to deal with and now I just want to know, why?

Why do we try to explain everything in terms of Gods will – I don’t even know what that means anymore.. Right now it just seems to be something we need to tell ourselves for comfort. When we feel completely helpless it feels good to believe that somebody is in control, and there’s always a possibility for things to drastically get better.

What if good things don’t happen to good people; but good things happen to people that good things always happen to? It makes more sense to me to explain this in terms of a mysterious force that worked on something like radio wave frequency that was different for every individual. Our lives have highs and lows but they always balance each other out and you can almost work out a pattern to the way things end up.

I don’t know what any of this means to be in terms of my faith. Only that this is the opposite of acceptance, it’s the bitter post written in an impulsive haste at a time when my life feels like it’s coming apart at the seams because I needed to begin trying to figure out what I believe in.

Advertisements

Petrichor

I have watched my life unfold, with good days and bad days wondering what it would all come down to and I think this might be it, the opportunity of a lifetime.

One of two things can happen. I could get the perfect job, become independent and live the rest of my life happily ever after or I could lose it to someone else, someone who has paid the gatekeepers their dues and my life would continue the same way it always has, close to being something special but not quite there yet.

I’ve been waiting for a grand gesture by the universe that hardly seems to be paying attention. Life isn’t like a movie where a lifetime of struggle culminates in one crowing moment of glory that makes it all seem worth it, a petrichor moment when the dry earth finally receives its rain. At best, it might be a series of little victories, just enough to keep us going a little while longer.

I believe in a God in whom all things are possible but (and this is hard to admit) I don’t know if I believe because I so desperately need it to be true. There is a part of my brain that truly loves God but there is also a part of me that wonders if it’s just a crutch I need to depend on to make up for all the things that I cannot be.

I have seen impossible things. It shouldn’t be this hard to believe. I know its nothing but my own skepticism but sometimes I wonder if we’re just like leaves blowing in the wind and what we call miracles is the universe fooling us into believing we’re flying when we’ve really only been slowly falling to the earth this whole time.

If I keep reminding myself that good things have happened to me, no matter how they might have found me, whether you call it being lucky or blessed I have been both and I just might make it.